No More Shame

For nearly a decade, I was secretly ashamed of myself. I’d see the girls who drove cars and I envied them deeply. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more alone in my shame. For years I wrestled within myself not to feel weak and less then.
Living in Southern California, driving is deeply ingrained in our culture. For many adults, it’s a ride of passage into adulthood. For others like myself, it conjures up fears and intense anxiety. I was 16 when my go-cart slammed into the rubber tire barriers while with my family at a Christmas party. Following the incident were strings of nightmares involving  car crashes. Eventually, the dreams subsided, but the fear lingered and grew. As I got older, into my early twenties, the questions started: “well how come you don’t drive...why don’t you have a car...what, you don’t have a license yet!?”
I got tired of having to answer. I got tired of having to explain myself. How do you explain the crippling anxiety and the shame you feel?

I felt so alone in the world so I hid my pain and insecurities. Surely no one understands. Words like, coward, or lazy only made it worse. The judgemental  looks of pity and disappointment filled my mind. For the next decade until now, I hid in shame. How could anyone truly value me as person if they really knew about my fear of driving and my anxiety...

I’m here to finally come forward and share my story. The giant that loomed over me since I was 16...that shamed me...that shouted at me everyday, “you’re a worthless piece of trash who’s a coward”, you no longer have dominion over me. Today I call the shots. I’m not afraid anymore.