This Might Be The Most Real Blog Post I’ve Written Thus Far pt. 1
I contemplated writing this blog because I was afraid people would belittle me. “ Everybody is single”, “You just need to learn to be happy”, “Just get over it.”
Last Friday during my devotions, I came across a quote by Christian author, Lysa TerKeurst that sort of started slowly flushing a lot of deeply-buried pain I’ve never fully dealt with. “Trapped like a firefly in a mason jar. Stifled, I peered out, watching others’ dreams, hopes and joys twinkle and fly by my stagnant ones. My own desires sat dusty in my valley of pain...”
I swept the hurt and pain aside. “Why is my pain any different?” If I say that it hurts to be single, I’ll be viewed as needy or desperate. Guess I’ll just bottle it up and minimize it. See, I’m fine now. *But I’m not fine.*
As the years passed, I thought I was being so strong. I became what I felt like I was an expert mask wearer. “Good Christian guys are attracted to girls who don’t care if they’re single or not. I need to act like I’m just fine being single, even if it tears me up inside.”
“Extinguished. Exhausted. Expectant no longer.” -Lysa TerKeurst
That’s exactly who I became. Lifeless.
Every guy I started to develop feelings became extinguished instantly by negative thoughts about myself. The feelings of hopelessness from years of bottling everything up and the emptiness of not wanting to feel pain anymore created in me an intense fear of rejection that ruled my heart.
“Why would he ever be interested in you? Why are you wasting your time? Why are you putting yourself through this turmoil again?”
*stay tuned on Wednesday for the part 2 to this post*
Last Friday during my devotions, I came across a quote by Christian author, Lysa TerKeurst that sort of started slowly flushing a lot of deeply-buried pain I’ve never fully dealt with. “Trapped like a firefly in a mason jar. Stifled, I peered out, watching others’ dreams, hopes and joys twinkle and fly by my stagnant ones. My own desires sat dusty in my valley of pain...”
I swept the hurt and pain aside. “Why is my pain any different?” If I say that it hurts to be single, I’ll be viewed as needy or desperate. Guess I’ll just bottle it up and minimize it. See, I’m fine now. *But I’m not fine.*
As the years passed, I thought I was being so strong. I became what I felt like I was an expert mask wearer. “Good Christian guys are attracted to girls who don’t care if they’re single or not. I need to act like I’m just fine being single, even if it tears me up inside.”
“Extinguished. Exhausted. Expectant no longer.” -Lysa TerKeurst
That’s exactly who I became. Lifeless.
Every guy I started to develop feelings became extinguished instantly by negative thoughts about myself. The feelings of hopelessness from years of bottling everything up and the emptiness of not wanting to feel pain anymore created in me an intense fear of rejection that ruled my heart.
“Why would he ever be interested in you? Why are you wasting your time? Why are you putting yourself through this turmoil again?”
*stay tuned on Wednesday for the part 2 to this post*
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